I recently found out that I have this disease called "yourethetypeofgirlilietoforsexualpleasure" syndrome
And let me tell you, I couldn’t have received a worse diagnosis.
Unfortunately there’s no FDA approved treatment for this shit.
Something in me just draws males to lie about building a future with me, or wanting to ACTUALLY be in a relationship with me just so that they can get their dick wet for a few minutes with no regard for my feelings or the consequences of my mental state later on.
Since I’ve been diagnosed with this illness I have made a pact with myself not to be so weak when it comes to the bacterium known as man.
Someone can only use you if you let them right?
The only way to cure myself is to be diligent, you see there are good and bad types of bacteria, but more than less times I pick up bad bacteria the type that makes you sick to your stomach and you’ve just got to flush it out for days sometimes weeks on end.
When you’re ready to be well you come to your senses, take in your probiotics and make the good bacteria work their way into you.
The process is a tedious one but once you’re well and happy again the process is worth it.
I have goals to fund more research for the cure of this unclassified bacteria known as “themenofgenerationmillenials” but by the looks of it now… We’re going nowhere fast with this grouping. It will take years to force the bacteria into a neutral state which does not harm others so frivolously.
Don’t shame the girls who sent pictures of themselves half-naked to their significant others as a way to express eroticism which is healthy and natural… give the people hell who think it’s okay to destroy someone’s trust and distribute those images simply for entertainment purposes.
To a point where it hurts
I met him last semester, he was from the city and exuded this overwhelming amount of confidence and humour.
Everything was outright from day 1.
I remember that rookie party like it was yesterday, he grabbed me and dropped a corny pick up line and I ate it up like a child at a candy store.
I was so humoured that when he went in for the kiss I was so inclined to kiss him back.
Jamaican rum and solstice gum dove into my mouth and I let every second linger.
He’d come down to my university town, hours of Skype, hours of phone calls and texting.
He got my humor, pulled me out of a dark spot, and worst of all, he was honest with me.
It wasn’t until he told me that all he wanted was a fuck buddy; to focus solely on football and his family, to keep the strings unattached…that’s when I began to hate his honesty. His humor. His confidence.
Drunk dial after drunk dial after drunk dial. The late night rants. The resentment towards him.
He called me quits by December.
But by January we were at it again. We were normal.
I started to see a guy named Dan (ended Valentines day, and in came Adam unexpectedly, the point is I was taken).
He started to see a girl from the city, Mel.
We could still talk about anything under the moon, he was my new best friend.
Then February hit and I started falling for that humor. That honesty. That confidence.
Had I just backtracked 5 months?
I would flirt.
He would flirt.
The tension was immense and even though I’d invested my time in someone new all I wanted was his.
Fast forward; February is coming to a close. A normal night on Skype for us.
"Im moving to the states I have teams that want to draft me."
I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to stop it. Say something, why can’t you talk? Useless.
"I’m not happy with Mel."
Great so he’s leaving his gf before he goes to the states. Now there’ll be a large pool of American babes to chose from. I was starting to prefer Mel.
"I never really wanted her. If you asked me to I’d leave her in this instance. If you asked me to I wouldn’t go to the states, I’d stay here this summer. Make things work with you."
Silence. I can’t breathe. What’s going on? He can’t be serious. (Swallow)
"I want to make things work with you. You made me want to try, that’s why I’ve been here this long. You’re not someone I can use and walk away, I want you to be with me."
I hang up. Cry. Breathe. Cry again.
Isn’t this what I wanted all along? For him to want me? I’d drop everyone else just to be with you? Maybe it’s a good thing then that Adam began to avoid me and the others never called me back.
The person I’ve always wanted, told me he wanted me. I miss him so much. So much that it hurts. Yes I want to be with you, don’t leave for the States when you could be right just by staying with me.
Why couldn’t I say that when he asked?? Why couldn’t I say that when he asked??
It’s been a week.
He texts me at least once a day.
I don’t reply (I can’t reply) it scares me he’s given me the option, how I’m afraid he will hurt me, how much I miss him.
He was about 5 years older than me.
Really rugged, had a smile to die for. It only took me a matter ofminutes to start feeling some type of way towards him after winding up on his pathway on Feb 14th during a pre-drink at my friends house.
Somewhere along the line he gave me a pink rose and shortly after asked for my number so that he could see me again.
Some would say it was a cheesy sight to see but in that moment I felt better than I had for months around any guy who has come around. Maybe because for once I wasn’t being offered an emotionless one night stand, I was 20 years old & I being asked on my very first date ever without having to bargain my vagina or mouth up for it.
The next week I went home, it was my universities off week for spring break.
We went on the whole week texting and chatting about anything and everything; the more I talked to him the more I couldn’t wait to be back in town to see him and talk about these things face to face.
“You’re not to busy for that date though right?” “Do I still get to see you on Sunday?” “Making me wait a whole week to see you that’s a little unfair”
The banter continued.
I waited out each and everyday until the next Sunday rolled out.
He took me to sushi. He made me laugh. He was honest with me (or so I thought); something I wasn’t used to.
We grabbed coffee after dinner and went back to his place to just kickback with his roommate who had a world of stories up his sleeve.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed so hard with people or been so engulfed by their stories. I hung onto every single word.
After his roommate left things got really sappy. I knew I wanted to kiss him but I just didn’t want to throw myself into a situation that had no point of return.
Then it happened, he kissed me & it was like everything became really light. I heard nothing, I could see nothing, all I could do was taste and as dramatic as it sounds I really did fall numb except for the strangest tingling sensation on my finger tips.
He tasted faintly like spearmint and cigarettes.
I ended up spending the night; no sex given. Some “mutual” fooling around that I didn’t mind and we took on so jokingly. He told me so much about himself & I became so consumed with the person lying beside, all I could keep thinking was, “what is happening” and “why me of all people”?
He asked me if he could see me everyday…told me that every kiss was worth a day to be spent with me…it felt good knowing I had at least 10 days under my belt to test the waters…
When morning came around I had no desire to go home. All I wanted was to lay there with him and keep talking about nothing in particular.
He drove me home and kissed me before I got out of the car. I went to my bed in a daze, but everything seemed awfully prosperous and I couldn’t wait to see him again.
The week moved slowly; a text here or there to fill the time until I saw him again, but he would never reply…and if he did it was barely a sentence.
Now he just doesn’t reply at all.
I didn’t get it.
Had I done or said something wrong?
Was it the way I looked or acted?
I felt stupid, like I had gotten my hopes up higher than I should.
But then I realized I was just dumb and I’d put myself in that situation. Once again I was just used for the night (god damn you oral sex). I realized no matter what the age a lot of “men” in this day and age are only ever going to keep me around for a quick sexual fix or thrill of the night.
Sometimes I feel worthless. Yet I don’t even expect anyone to take pity on me.
I just feel empty & it’s sad that I ever thought someone else could fill that void for me.